Surely, you knew him better than that. It is hard for me to know for certain but I can guess that people leaving Ivar is one of the things that hurts him the most.
[ Athelstan seems a bit exasperated at that information. ]
Are you sure that you were actually all that happy that you truly want things the way the were or are you scared of being replaced and alone?
[ To him so much of it sounds less than ideal in the way she refers to Ivar more often than not. ]
You might not like it but you need to start over with Ivar, stop angling for the past and be honest but let Ivar draw the lines and you earn the right to cross them. He is not perfect but you are the one wanting something of him. Prove yourself that you're not using him and that you care for more than yourself.
[She can't help shuddering at that accusation. It isn't... incorrect. She is very scared that she will be replaced. Ivar already has a new lover, and she had already been afraid of him and Lola ending up together and tossing her aside when she left.]
I've never loved anyone- or anything - as much as I love Ivar. I've forgotten my husband's face, I've forgotten the feeling of his skin and the smell of his clothing but I never forgot Ivar's. My house is filled with gifts from him, and our bed feels empty with him. I just feel- [Her voice strains a bit, and she holds back a sob.] I feel so small without him. I don't know what to do with myself. And having him- having him hate me like this, it hurts, I can't- I can't put into words how much it hurts...
[But she's just talking about herself again, isn't she, and Athelstan doesn't want to hear that. She wipes her eyes and tries to hold herself under control. No one cares how you feel, she reminds herself sharply. Just like her mother would.]
You know his father, don't you? Could you- could you arrange for me to see Winter while Ivar is gone? If I just- if I see her, if I can gain her trust, maybe he.. maybe it will help. I don't know.
You are being self-centered again. It might be hard to break the habit for you but one thing that is also important is that you need an identity that is your own. Your entire sense of worth and life's meaning shouldn't be wrapped up like that. It is a difficult thing to feel that way but you can do better than that and you can be more than what you currently are.
[ Athelstan cares for her feelings very much but he also cares to see her not locked in a bad cycle. ]
Why don't you come here for dinner with us and we will see how it goes.
[She opens her mouth, and then closes it. She thought it was a positive thing, to love someone so deeply that life ends without them. It was certainly a rebellion against the arms-length romances she'd seen in her family. But she supposes he has a point; she's lost a good portion of her identity in favor of pleasing Ivar.
There's some hesitation before she speaks again.]
Right... I should mention. I wasn't entirely honest to King Ragnar - or you, for that matter - about my identity. Perhaps we should do something about that before I show up.
[Ivar doesn't take kindly to surprises, she doubts Ragnar will either.]
What were you dishonest about? I can talk to him and convince him to give you a second chance but lying is not something he takes kindly to. This is my idea and so I will deal with Ragnar.
During my time in Norway, I took on the identity of a Mercian woman named Cinna. When I met Ragnar, I approached him as Cinna and did not mention that I was Winter's mother. My real name is Letha Regis. Most everything else that I've told him is true - although I'm not native to his world, and I believe I may have led him to believe I was.
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[ Athelstan seems a bit exasperated at that information. ]
Are you sure that you were actually all that happy that you truly want things the way the were or are you scared of being replaced and alone?
[ To him so much of it sounds less than ideal in the way she refers to Ivar more often than not. ]
You might not like it but you need to start over with Ivar, stop angling for the past and be honest but let Ivar draw the lines and you earn the right to cross them. He is not perfect but you are the one wanting something of him. Prove yourself that you're not using him and that you care for more than yourself.
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I've never loved anyone- or anything - as much as I love Ivar. I've forgotten my husband's face, I've forgotten the feeling of his skin and the smell of his clothing but I never forgot Ivar's. My house is filled with gifts from him, and our bed feels empty with him. I just feel- [Her voice strains a bit, and she holds back a sob.] I feel so small without him. I don't know what to do with myself. And having him- having him hate me like this, it hurts, I can't- I can't put into words how much it hurts...
[But she's just talking about herself again, isn't she, and Athelstan doesn't want to hear that. She wipes her eyes and tries to hold herself under control. No one cares how you feel, she reminds herself sharply. Just like her mother would.]
You know his father, don't you? Could you- could you arrange for me to see Winter while Ivar is gone? If I just- if I see her, if I can gain her trust, maybe he.. maybe it will help. I don't know.
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[ Athelstan cares for her feelings very much but he also cares to see her not locked in a bad cycle. ]
Why don't you come here for dinner with us and we will see how it goes.
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There's some hesitation before she speaks again.]
Right... I should mention. I wasn't entirely honest to King Ragnar - or you, for that matter - about my identity. Perhaps we should do something about that before I show up.
[Ivar doesn't take kindly to surprises, she doubts Ragnar will either.]
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I'll speak with him and it will be fine.