[She's not really surprised... she and Ivar have been here longer than most people she's met, and they're both sociable types. Still...]
You must not know him very well, if you think he won't kill me.
[It's almost amiable; despite all their trouble, she can't help loving him dearly. Worrying for his safe return from Kattegat.]
I'm not sure he wants things repaired... I've been weighing the thought of simply taking her and doing my best to keep him away from her, but then I would only be doing the same thing he's doing to me, wouldn't I? [She pauses.] My parents would likely say I have the right to, but I'm not so sure anymore.
I do not think at this time you are any any danger of dying. If we are speaking of once Ivar returned... [ That is another matter. ]
Did you not want to be better? Is that not the root of what has caused all your troubles to begin with? You cannot become better by making such similar mistakes. [ Another exhale of breath can be heard as he contemplates what he's saying next. ]
Ivar is not very forgiving, he got that from both of his parents. But if he wanted you dead, you would already be dead and I believe that leaves you room. You cannot repair things to be what you had before, that is broken. However, you can build something new and perhaps that means you need to adjust what you are predisposed to feel you should have with Ivar. Taking her away from him is not the best course for either of you, and it probably is not what is best for your daughter.
[She purses her lips slightly, but she nods after a short pause.]
I don't expect things will ever be the same, I've never been that lucky before... I just want something similar. [Her gaze drops a bit.] Ivar and I used to be as close as two people could ever be. We shared everything - our joys, our sorrows, our bed. I trusted him more than anything in the world, I... loved him more than I ever thought possible. Now it seems like he hardly recognizes me.
I missed him so much, while I was gone... I just wish he understood how hard it is to lie in bed without him.
I say this with the best intentions, but perhaps if you looked at things in a way that is not completely about yourself then you would be better off. Everything you just said is about you and not about what is best for him or even what is best for your child. Have you asked him what he wants or needs or do you talk to him in this way?
You are the one that left, it is up to you to make the amends and the amends must be about the parties slighted, not about you.
...Are you calling me selfish, for wanting him back? [She huffs.] I don't know what's best, I've never had to worry about anything like this. All I know is that- the way we've been, fighting about everything, is horrible. He's been horrible.
[She grimaces at that last part, but she doesn't know how to handle it.]
He moved on without me. He's going after men now. He's been letting everyone but me spend time with my daughter, as if I'm not a part of her life anymore. He's not the only one slighted.
I did not call you selfish. There is a difference between selfishness and self-centered. Perhaps you might be both but you were being self-centered to a fault that will not help you get anywhere with Ivar. Have you been horrible as well? Think honestly on that.
[ Despite how harsh his words might seem he's being objective it's simply that from what he's seen Letha is making some key mistakes and no one would get what is best for them that way. ]
Did you expect him to sit and mourn you indefinitely when he had no idea where you went or if you would ever come back? You do realize how unreasonable you are being, correct? It is a difficult situation and I empathize with your plight but behaving as if you are the one that has been wronged does nothing to help you. He's trying to protect Winter. He's not trying to hurt you with it. What he has done, it appears is in reaction to the large mistake that you have made -- that you have admitted wrongdoing in. You are the one discontent and that means the onus is on you to make things right with him not the other way around.
I do want to help you but if you want to make things better with Ivar, this is not the attitude to have.
['Self-centered' doesn't make her much happier... but she does her best to follow what he's saying.]
I was gone for three or four months, by his time... I thought I would be important enough that he'd at least seem happy to see me again.
[Her tone is a bit meek; she won't admit that she had hoped he would kiss her when they met again, and tell her he missed her, and that he had hoped she'd return and now they could be a family again. In light of reality, and in light of Athelstan's words, it seems childish and silly.]
He knew where I went - I chose a time when the portal was under relative control, and he learned from the guard what I had planned. I think that hurt him more, knowing I escape to his world.
I wonder if- well. I've always loved stories of Vikings, I've always looked up to Ivar as a hero. I wonder if he... thought I was using him, to play the fantasy of being a Viking wife. I know he's always thought of me as... sheltered. He always thought I held him to impossible standards, and got angry when he acted human...
Surely, you knew him better than that. It is hard for me to know for certain but I can guess that people leaving Ivar is one of the things that hurts him the most.
[ Athelstan seems a bit exasperated at that information. ]
Are you sure that you were actually all that happy that you truly want things the way the were or are you scared of being replaced and alone?
[ To him so much of it sounds less than ideal in the way she refers to Ivar more often than not. ]
You might not like it but you need to start over with Ivar, stop angling for the past and be honest but let Ivar draw the lines and you earn the right to cross them. He is not perfect but you are the one wanting something of him. Prove yourself that you're not using him and that you care for more than yourself.
[She can't help shuddering at that accusation. It isn't... incorrect. She is very scared that she will be replaced. Ivar already has a new lover, and she had already been afraid of him and Lola ending up together and tossing her aside when she left.]
I've never loved anyone- or anything - as much as I love Ivar. I've forgotten my husband's face, I've forgotten the feeling of his skin and the smell of his clothing but I never forgot Ivar's. My house is filled with gifts from him, and our bed feels empty with him. I just feel- [Her voice strains a bit, and she holds back a sob.] I feel so small without him. I don't know what to do with myself. And having him- having him hate me like this, it hurts, I can't- I can't put into words how much it hurts...
[But she's just talking about herself again, isn't she, and Athelstan doesn't want to hear that. She wipes her eyes and tries to hold herself under control. No one cares how you feel, she reminds herself sharply. Just like her mother would.]
You know his father, don't you? Could you- could you arrange for me to see Winter while Ivar is gone? If I just- if I see her, if I can gain her trust, maybe he.. maybe it will help. I don't know.
You are being self-centered again. It might be hard to break the habit for you but one thing that is also important is that you need an identity that is your own. Your entire sense of worth and life's meaning shouldn't be wrapped up like that. It is a difficult thing to feel that way but you can do better than that and you can be more than what you currently are.
[ Athelstan cares for her feelings very much but he also cares to see her not locked in a bad cycle. ]
Why don't you come here for dinner with us and we will see how it goes.
[She opens her mouth, and then closes it. She thought it was a positive thing, to love someone so deeply that life ends without them. It was certainly a rebellion against the arms-length romances she'd seen in her family. But she supposes he has a point; she's lost a good portion of her identity in favor of pleasing Ivar.
There's some hesitation before she speaks again.]
Right... I should mention. I wasn't entirely honest to King Ragnar - or you, for that matter - about my identity. Perhaps we should do something about that before I show up.
[Ivar doesn't take kindly to surprises, she doubts Ragnar will either.]
What were you dishonest about? I can talk to him and convince him to give you a second chance but lying is not something he takes kindly to. This is my idea and so I will deal with Ragnar.
During my time in Norway, I took on the identity of a Mercian woman named Cinna. When I met Ragnar, I approached him as Cinna and did not mention that I was Winter's mother. My real name is Letha Regis. Most everything else that I've told him is true - although I'm not native to his world, and I believe I may have led him to believe I was.
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[She's not really surprised... she and Ivar have been here longer than most people she's met, and they're both sociable types. Still...]
You must not know him very well, if you think he won't kill me.
[It's almost amiable; despite all their trouble, she can't help loving him dearly. Worrying for his safe return from Kattegat.]
I'm not sure he wants things repaired... I've been weighing the thought of simply taking her and doing my best to keep him away from her, but then I would only be doing the same thing he's doing to me, wouldn't I? [She pauses.] My parents would likely say I have the right to, but I'm not so sure anymore.
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[ Athelstan sighs. ]
I do not think at this time you are any any danger of dying. If we are speaking of once Ivar returned... [ That is another matter. ]
Did you not want to be better? Is that not the root of what has caused all your troubles to begin with? You cannot become better by making such similar mistakes. [ Another exhale of breath can be heard as he contemplates what he's saying next. ]
Ivar is not very forgiving, he got that from both of his parents. But if he wanted you dead, you would already be dead and I believe that leaves you room. You cannot repair things to be what you had before, that is broken. However, you can build something new and perhaps that means you need to adjust what you are predisposed to feel you should have with Ivar. Taking her away from him is not the best course for either of you, and it probably is not what is best for your daughter.
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I don't expect things will ever be the same, I've never been that lucky before... I just want something similar. [Her gaze drops a bit.] Ivar and I used to be as close as two people could ever be. We shared everything - our joys, our sorrows, our bed. I trusted him more than anything in the world, I... loved him more than I ever thought possible. Now it seems like he hardly recognizes me.
I missed him so much, while I was gone... I just wish he understood how hard it is to lie in bed without him.
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I say this with the best intentions, but perhaps if you looked at things in a way that is not completely about yourself then you would be better off. Everything you just said is about you and not about what is best for him or even what is best for your child. Have you asked him what he wants or needs or do you talk to him in this way?
You are the one that left, it is up to you to make the amends and the amends must be about the parties slighted, not about you.
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[She grimaces at that last part, but she doesn't know how to handle it.]
He moved on without me. He's going after men now. He's been letting everyone but me spend time with my daughter, as if I'm not a part of her life anymore. He's not the only one slighted.
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[ Despite how harsh his words might seem he's being objective it's simply that from what he's seen Letha is making some key mistakes and no one would get what is best for them that way. ]
Did you expect him to sit and mourn you indefinitely when he had no idea where you went or if you would ever come back? You do realize how unreasonable you are being, correct? It is a difficult situation and I empathize with your plight but behaving as if you are the one that has been wronged does nothing to help you. He's trying to protect Winter. He's not trying to hurt you with it. What he has done, it appears is in reaction to the large mistake that you have made -- that you have admitted wrongdoing in. You are the one discontent and that means the onus is on you to make things right with him not the other way around.
I do want to help you but if you want to make things better with Ivar, this is not the attitude to have.
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I was gone for three or four months, by his time... I thought I would be important enough that he'd at least seem happy to see me again.
[Her tone is a bit meek; she won't admit that she had hoped he would kiss her when they met again, and tell her he missed her, and that he had hoped she'd return and now they could be a family again. In light of reality, and in light of Athelstan's words, it seems childish and silly.]
He knew where I went - I chose a time when the portal was under relative control, and he learned from the guard what I had planned. I think that hurt him more, knowing I escape to his world.
I wonder if- well. I've always loved stories of Vikings, I've always looked up to Ivar as a hero. I wonder if he... thought I was using him, to play the fantasy of being a Viking wife. I know he's always thought of me as... sheltered. He always thought I held him to impossible standards, and got angry when he acted human...
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[ Athelstan seems a bit exasperated at that information. ]
Are you sure that you were actually all that happy that you truly want things the way the were or are you scared of being replaced and alone?
[ To him so much of it sounds less than ideal in the way she refers to Ivar more often than not. ]
You might not like it but you need to start over with Ivar, stop angling for the past and be honest but let Ivar draw the lines and you earn the right to cross them. He is not perfect but you are the one wanting something of him. Prove yourself that you're not using him and that you care for more than yourself.
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I've never loved anyone- or anything - as much as I love Ivar. I've forgotten my husband's face, I've forgotten the feeling of his skin and the smell of his clothing but I never forgot Ivar's. My house is filled with gifts from him, and our bed feels empty with him. I just feel- [Her voice strains a bit, and she holds back a sob.] I feel so small without him. I don't know what to do with myself. And having him- having him hate me like this, it hurts, I can't- I can't put into words how much it hurts...
[But she's just talking about herself again, isn't she, and Athelstan doesn't want to hear that. She wipes her eyes and tries to hold herself under control. No one cares how you feel, she reminds herself sharply. Just like her mother would.]
You know his father, don't you? Could you- could you arrange for me to see Winter while Ivar is gone? If I just- if I see her, if I can gain her trust, maybe he.. maybe it will help. I don't know.
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[ Athelstan cares for her feelings very much but he also cares to see her not locked in a bad cycle. ]
Why don't you come here for dinner with us and we will see how it goes.
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There's some hesitation before she speaks again.]
Right... I should mention. I wasn't entirely honest to King Ragnar - or you, for that matter - about my identity. Perhaps we should do something about that before I show up.
[Ivar doesn't take kindly to surprises, she doubts Ragnar will either.]
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I'll speak with him and it will be fine.