Athelstan looks tired when Ragnar doesn't really understand the nuance of what he said. He supposes that he can hardly fault him for that. He's not sure he would be doing much better if he were sober but if he were sober he likely would have said very little about any of this at all. Athelstan wanted to just continue to leave, to go to where his art supplies are and try to pray though, what is heavy on him are not things that his God would give him the answers that he really wishes to have.
He waits until Ragnar is done talking, having watched him throughout it. He's quiet for several long seconds while the other is apparently going for alcohol as well.
"He is a child, Ragnar. He is worried and probably with very good reason. You saw only his anger because that's the only way he knew how to react but he is sad, pained and worried. I think there is something more than a simple idiotic rivalry and he needs you more than either of you are willing to admit. What brought him to this state may not be your fault but if you had or would bend to give him some emapthy and some of that compassion I know you are capable of then you two might be able to understand each other if nothing else. But you had to be stubborn, cocky and right. You made him feel as if you didn't care, Ragnar."
There's a tired sigh before he continues and he knows that he won't leave yet and so he sits on the sofa that had provided partial coverage to Ragnar earlier. His fingers idly toy with the bracelet on his wrist. There's so much of his true feelings that he hides from Ragnar, maybe first and foremost how deeply he loves him and perhaps secondly the deep insecurity that he will disappoint or be inadequate even before things had become intimate.
"What would it have mattered if I had? I feel guilty and ashamed enough without you having a target to attack and more blood on my hands because of words I've said to you. I thought... it would be easy to avoid because when would I have to hear of him again?"
no subject
He waits until Ragnar is done talking, having watched him throughout it. He's quiet for several long seconds while the other is apparently going for alcohol as well.
"He is a child, Ragnar. He is worried and probably with very good reason. You saw only his anger because that's the only way he knew how to react but he is sad, pained and worried. I think there is something more than a simple idiotic rivalry and he needs you more than either of you are willing to admit. What brought him to this state may not be your fault but if you had or would bend to give him some emapthy and some of that compassion I know you are capable of then you two might be able to understand each other if nothing else. But you had to be stubborn, cocky and right. You made him feel as if you didn't care, Ragnar."
There's a tired sigh before he continues and he knows that he won't leave yet and so he sits on the sofa that had provided partial coverage to Ragnar earlier. His fingers idly toy with the bracelet on his wrist. There's so much of his true feelings that he hides from Ragnar, maybe first and foremost how deeply he loves him and perhaps secondly the deep insecurity that he will disappoint or be inadequate even before things had become intimate.
"What would it have mattered if I had? I feel guilty and ashamed enough without you having a target to attack and more blood on my hands because of words I've said to you. I thought... it would be easy to avoid because when would I have to hear of him again?"